I’m in over my head with this one. I’m directing this new musical, this project that I’ve been working on for three years – half-heartedly, I admit, for at least the last year.
And somehow the self-fulfilling prophecy, the prophecy that I’m not good enough, not creative enough, not strong enough to do this is playing out as planned.
We’re a month into rehearsals. We just got a stage manager this week – something unheard of in the world of professional performing – the stage manager is usually the first hire, before even the actors. And this stage manager’s brilliant assessment of the way things are going: “The cast totally doesn’t respect you.”
Thanks, thanks for your support. As if I didn’t know that.
I keep waiting for the time in my life when I get to do the things I KNOW how to do already. The time when I’m not constantly racing to keep up with what’s going on. I mean, sure, learning is always awesome. I love it, I love reading, I love classes, I love improvement. I’m kind of an improvement junkie, my gf says.
But this kind of running, this kind of expectation from others that I can handle it all, that I’ll “just figure it out”, that I know already what I’m doing is exhausting. It’s unsustainable.
Yesterday was my partner and my 1st anniversary of our domestic partnership. I forgot entirely. I ended the night sitting alone on the front porch, eating fast food and crying, because my cast doesn’t respect me. My lady brought me tulips. She’s a good one. She knows I’m in over my head, and she’s the only one who doesn’t say “Oh, you’re just saying that” when I state my fears aloud. Because she knows I’m right. I’m nothing if not observant, and I can call people’s energy and emotions from 50 feet.
I keep waiting for this endless free-fall to be over, so the oblivion of the crash can overtake me. Three weeks.
Hey, Max–I was going to write you an encouraging e-mail, but really, I don’t have any wise words of wisdom. Well, maybe…read back through your blog and you’ll find of plenty of evidence that you *can* do this, even if (even though) you’re in over your head. I’m not sure if you’ll ever hit the point where you don’t feel like you’re scrambling. You don’t strike me as someone who will just sit in the same place and let the wheels spin. The more new challenges you try, the more times you almost drown before saving yourself.
I think maybe you just get used to the drowning feeling and teach yourself to believe that you will be able to swim to the other side. I hear this is a lot from my colleagues, everyone is always thinking, “Uh oh, this is the time I’m going to fail, I knew it was coming!” and then we miraculously pull through. I went through it a bit with a project recently, trying something new, but I’m getting better at ignoring the drowning feeling, telling myself it’s an illusion (this time, anyway).
If it makes you feel any better, my partner and I have probably forgotten more anniversaries than we’ve remembered over the past twenty years.