… in just about every area. I always feel like I’m working one step above my capacity – which can be great, and challenging, and certainly fuels growth. But I’m starting to burn out on never feeling any amount of comfort at the level I’m at because I’m constantly running to catch up with what others expect of me. And I, of course, expect myself to be the best at whatever, and therefore keep running.
In acting, I bounce between feeling very professional because I’ve been doing this so long, and feeling like a total newbie because I’m playing this game for real now, in LA, in the most major arena. I feel like I meet people who assume I have all my professional ducks in a row – when really I’m just nodding and making notes about whatever they’re saying, reminders to myself to look all that stuff up later.
In my design business, I’m constantly asked to level up on each new project- I’ve never made a site with the same technology twice. I have a great breadth of shallow knowledge, but when is there a moment for me to acquire the depth?
In my relationship I often feel like I’m stuck at the 22 year old me, throwing tantrums and barking insecurities at my partner, who fortunately is so loving and kind that she just fixes me a cup of tea and removes herself from the path of my storm.
It’s like that Teddy Roosevelt quote, “Whenever you are asked if you can do the job, tell ‘em, Certainly, I can. Then get busy and find out how to do it.”
I feel like I’m so busy finding out how to do my life, I don’t have time to live it.
I think this is the key sentence: “And I, of course, expect myself to be the best at whatever, and therefore keep running.”
I don’t know if this will help, but I have the same approach to life and work (my mother claims I’ve always been that way). It’s been more or less a positive thing for my CV; it’s what makes me an “overachiever” or whatever. But I’ve slowly come to the conclusion that I’m the only one who thinks I need to be the best at whatever I do. I’m the only one responsible for applying the pressure. In theory, I’m also the person who can remove that pressure. So…
I made a conscious decision to find one activity that I enjoyed but hadn’t mastered, and then I just let myself suck at it. Example: I played hockey for a few years and though I did put a lot of effort into improving on the ice, I put even more effort into letting myself enjoy it even though I was the worst player on the team. These days, I’ve hooked up with a group of professional musicians for jam sessions. I’m BY FAR the worst player in the group, but no one cares, and really, neither do I now. We’re all having fun, no one is talking recording contracts, and I don’t go home depressed and planning my next practice session. I admit, it’s taken me more than ten years to stifle the instinct to take lessons, buy books, practice more, become the absolute best, but learning how to let go has helped me like myself more.
Anyway, I think it’s a good idea to let yourself be mediocre in at least one thing.
Thanks, JR, you’re totally right. Actually, I’m totally inspired by your music story – I’ve been playing a lot more music lately, and just letting myself kind of noodle and have a good time instead of drilling scales or whatever. I’ve realized that in moving to LA to really pursue acting, a lot of the hobbies I used to just enjoy have become commodities for my “actor brand” – things like playing instruments and juggling and whatever else I used to just do on a Sunday are now things that could get me cast, so I started “working on them” constantly. That kind of pressure, to be good enough to put those activities on my resume, has been weighing on me, but I’m now reversing the process.
And funny, my mom also claims I’ve always been like this. Whenever I get a new job (which is alarmingly frequently, in my transient life), she asks, “Well, are they gonna train you this time, or just assume you already know it all?” because it’s usually the latter. 🙂