I am always asked to work one level above my current status. At least one, I should say, although it’s often more. And it feels like twenty. I don’t know why this seems to be my lot, but it flows across all aspects of my life: performing, relationships, day jobs.

It’s more exhausting than exhilarating most times. But lately I’ve been working on just floating on the rising tide. Admitting my mistakes. Admitting when I don’t know all the answers. Trying to do my best. Trying to stay positive, to cultivate within myself the feeling that everything is going as it is supposed to. Because I don’t believe you can just think positively – I think you have to feel it for it to pan out.

I think I’m coming to terms that I may not get the help I ask for, because it seems I have to do it myself. I do wish for someone to talk to – someone who could act like a mentor. Or even a group of friends – ones who are ready to listen, as opposed to just talk.  I’m climbing up a ladder where the experts are on the top rung, and there doesn’t seem to be anyone between them and me who might hear me if I start to slip.

I think I put it out there that I wanted to excel, and now everything is coming back to me asking that I do. It’s terrifying.

Anyone else know this feeling? Like you’re looking into the abyss, but you might actually be looking up at the sky? And either way, you know you’re going in?